Just the tips


This is a list? composite? of everyone who worked in my building in downtown New York City in 2004, the year I lived there.  I was given this in early-to-mid December, and I thought, yay — I no longer have to do that rude thing where you don’t use a person’s name when speaking to them.

Once I got to work that next morning, people told me that this was for tipping purposes. People in NYC tip usually up to $50 to their doormen for the holidays.  But most people I worked with weren’t total divas/babies like me and didn’t need a staff of tens to run their buildings, so it was no big whoop to them to shell out $50 or $100 if it was two guys.  But I HAD to pick the building with the awesome view and the parquet floors that was attached to an Equinox gym that I never went to.

As sometimes happens, no one offered me any sound advice on what I should do about this, so I ended up spending WAY to much money on these people (I actually interacted with but four of them regularly).  What you see by each person is how much I tipped them.

And yes, you’re seeing that right — I shelled out over seven hundo!   Sweet Rutger Hauer that’s a lot of damn money!

But, can you really put a price on guilt avoidance?  On not being thought of as mean?  On that not-at-all-overrated feeling of giving until it hurts?  And who knows, maybe Spesa Smajlaj was working for me behind the scenes somehow… Maybe Michael Cosgrove fixed a lamp in the lobby that ended up not falling on me or something.  That hair I’m sure I shed in the hallway didn’t sweep up itself, Walter Namecek had to do that.

I actually shelled out a little extra for some cards to put the tips in, ’cause I wanted to make it special, come on, it’s Christmas.

Just what I needed, Part 3 of 3

So, where was I?  Oh, yes, the New Cars (featuring real Cars Greg Hawkes and, most importantly, Elliot Easton) pricey VIP concert tickets which I had in my possesion.  I roped my sweet new fiance Gary into going with me.  I felt he needed to see this side of me before we went any further.

They told all of the VIP’s via email that we were allowed to bring something for the band to sign.  Of course I’d bring my copy of Elliot’s 1985 solo album: Change No Change.  I was sure he’d be impressed – I’m a real fan, not some poseur who just likes to throw money around.  The album’s cover is black, so I bought a silver paint pen for him to sign it with, because I think of everything.

The day of the concert, we arrived at the Universal Amphitheater and were led in by a cute, college-age girl whose job it was to wrangle us.  I hated her.  I would have killed for this job as a young woman, did she even know how good she had it?  Would she ever?  Should I explain it to her?

Okay, so, this girl, who probably had never heard of the Cars before this job, sat us in a spot out of view of the band as they rehearsed their set.  Elliot was in charge of things, you could totally tell.  Signaling with his hands, saying things with his voice – he was choreographing the dance that was the New Cars.  I had never loved him more.  Then the rehearsal ended, and the Girl Who Has Had More Than One Exchange With Elliot Easton, You Know It said it was time for the meet and greet.  I felt my throat tighten; my body became cold and unmoving.  A dream was about to become reality – most normal people think this would be amazing and not be sick to their stomach and want to run crying to the bathroom.

We filed out and into a tented area where we were instructed to form a line perpendicular to the table where the band sat, open faced and ready to receive us.  Then the line started to move.  The closer we got to the table, the more I wanted to expire before I got there.  I had been waiting for this moment all my life, and yet all I wanted to do was run away and dive into the Waterworld moat.

I felt bad for Gary as well – I gave him the terrible task of getting my Shake It Up album signed – but only by the two original Cars.  He’d have to pull it away from the others.  To this day I don’t know how he did it, nor do I want to know, because I’m sure it involved being rude, and that would bother me forever.

We inched forward…  Oh my stars.  It was happening… what’s happening… where am I?  I felt a shortness of breath and my heart race – please oh please let this be a grand mal seizure.  Throughout all this panic, I kept the line moving ever forward.  The order of it all kept me from losing my mind.

Before I knew it, I was standing right in front of original keyboardist Greg Hawkes.  I smiled at him, nodded and said hi, all awkwardly.  Next to Greg sat one of Todd Rundgren’s buddies.  I smiled at him, too – whatever, I’m nice.

Next was Elliot, looking resplendent seated in the center – like the Jesus of the New Cars.  The guy in front of me was slow, so I was stuck smiling at Todd Rundgren’s buddy more.  The guy moved on.  Elliot looked at me.  I stepped up to him and I handed him my album.

“I brought this silver pen,” I said, indicating.

“There’s a grey one here,” Elliot Easton said.  I looked down – there were Sharpies in at least three different colors.  I felt like an asshole!  And I braved Michael’s craft store and the idiots there for nothing.

“Oh!” I said, and just stood there like a dum dum.

He signed his name and handed the album cover back to me, and I said nothing else.  I am such a planner – why didn’t I plan something to say to him?  I have written an entire Rock and Roll Hall of Fame tribute speech to the Cars in my head once during a long drive – why couldn’t I summon up something from that?

Mercifully, I reached the end of the slow-scooting line, turned, and rushed toward Gary with a sense of exhilarated relief, the kind you feel when you exit a really scary haunted house, one where they have no boundaries and grab and poke you.  But then the girl said we needed to get back in line – we’d each be taking a picture with them!  Oh, how I wished Gary would just punch me in the face.  Someone – please stab me in the neck with your keys!

With sweet Gary’s encouragement, I found the strength to pose for the picture – and another one for safety!  You know, up to that day, I always thought that, had I lived in pioneer times, I would never have survived.  I think the strength I showed that day proves otherwise.

Seriously, look how close my right arm is to his commanding, rock star shoulders.

After the meet and greet, a half-assed buffet, and a trivia contest where I won a t-shirt, of course, we were herded back into the amphitheater and watched The New Cars from our amazing seats.  I would have wept through the entire set, but one of Gary’s friends had joined us, so I acted like I was having fun instead of dying inside.

This is me saying to Elliot “Back off, I’m engaged!”

Okay, so here’s the stuff:

The t-shirt is fairly new and it doesn’t fit.  There’s a picture disc, a tour program, and a homemade Cars button since I could never find one.  Also included but not pictured are my Circus magazines and loose-leaf pictures of the band cut out from magazines I once put into collages.  I’m keeping the signed records, obvi.  And this other unwearable t-shirt.

Just what I needed, Part 2 of 3

OKAY, so… 2002?  2003?  I wanted to wait out traffic after work so I stopped at the Chin Chin in Bev Hills for dinner.  I walked in, approached the hostess stand and… talk about dim sum and then some… Elliot Easton was there, eating with three dudes!  I wondered — did he notice me noticing him, and if he did, was he flattered or creeped?  Keep in mind I was alone and staring right at him for like a solid minute.  And then I called a friend from high school and talked in hushed tones.

I felt 15 again.  Back then, I’d often wonder “What is Elliot Easton doing this very minute?”  And now I know!  Eating lo mien in Beverly Hills!  I thought to myself, depending on what happened in the next half hour, I could be married in a year’s time.  To him!

My table was kiddie-cornered to where he and the dudes sat.  I craned to hear what they were talking about but heard nothing except some discussion of Bobby “Blue” Bland.  After I ordered, I pulled a script out of my purse from work and started reading, demonstratively – I was not above trying to appear more important than I really was.  I tried to catch Elliot’s eye while in this tableau.  I thought, once our eyes locked, he’d see I wasn’t just some hanger-on, but a real Hollywood player, and we could be the power couple he’d always dreamed of being a part of.

Then my Chinese chicken salad arrived.  The bowl was overfilled and the wonton crisps were spilling out every whicha way.  I wondered if Elliot saw this, and if he did, would he think it was clumsy, like a woman in a romcom?  Or clumsy, like a woman who had forgotten to take her medication?  I used the time I spent corralling the crisps to try to decide if I should say something to him.

I decided against it, because I do not approach those I admire, for fear of their contempt, see roller skating story a few posts back.  And I was sure another, more ideal opportunity to meet Elliot would present itself – maybe something that involved working together on the internet.

A couple of years later I heard a commercial on the radio (which is a miracle since I always flip past them because I like no talk just rock): the New Cars would be playing the Universal Amphitheatre as part of their Road Rage tour.  The New Cars?  I was intrigued and hopeful.  I got home and went to their website and discovered that the members of the New Cars were: Elliot Easton, original keyboardist Greg Hawkes, Todd Rundgren, and a couple of guys he knows.

I had only seen the real Cars in concert once, when I was 14 with my friend Craig Rodgers and his brother and his brother’s girlfriend.  Seeing them live moved me so profoundly that I cried when it was over.  Craig and the others wondered if I was okay.  That depends, Craig: do you call having your soul torn out and then your heart torn out, leaving you with empty heart- and soul- holes that will never, ever be filled okay?  Ugh, I hate everyone!

Now.  How was I going to get good tickets to this show?  You can’t just camp out on the sidewalk outside a Sears like a hobo like you could in the 80’s.  As a teenager, I did this many times with varying degrees of success.  There was Bruce Springsteen’s Born In The U.S.A tour, where I couldn’t get off work early enough from Baskin-Robbins, so I was, like, 30th in line.  Then the sprinklers went off — people scattered, there was lawlessness.  But then I got front-row tickets for being first in line for the Moody Blues.  I was actually the only person in line for nearly 3 hours.  I didn’t get it – what teenager wouldn’t want to see the Moody Blues play the hits from their parents’ records?

I found out from the New Cars website that for $500, you could get a VIP experience, which included a premium seat and you could watch the sound check and meet the band!  This situation brought together two of my favorite things: Elliot Easton, and throwing money at a problem.

Come back everybody and find out what happened next!

Happy Father’s Day